Day 0
Okay so, literally I can't go about even pretending this is going to be some epic zombie survival guide or something. If you started reading this and thought that the prose here was going to teach you how to decapitate something with your ordinary bedroom lamp, then you should probably turn away now. I am not going to teach you the trick and tips on how to take out the brain of your neighbor when the undead arrive, to feast on your brains.
This is literally a blog to show my preparedness for the masses of undead hordes that will likely take this nation in under a week, and literally fuck us all. Let me begin by telling you a story.
Once upon a time there was a moderately pretty, fairly large opinionated and ambitious girl who developed a fear of all things dead from watching her first Zombie Movie on rental from some place in the central United States that is closed now. The name of the video store I cannot recall, because it was in the shopping center that held an Ace Hardware on Douglas Road in Montgomery Illinois. It inevitably closed down and became yet another movie rental place that would suffer to the ever Monopolizing Movie Rental Mogul - Blockbuster Video.
The night her life was changed forever, I can't even recall to you her exact age or what exact year it was. Suffice to say that it was several years after the year 1990, and that she was probably thirteen or fourteen. Why should you surmise this? Because of two reasons. The year that Tom Savini did the epic remake of Night of the Living Dead starring Tony Todd and Patricia Tallman was 1990, so this should be the first milestone in how old she might be. The second is that this moderately pretty (average), fairly large opinionated girl's extremely loving and somewhat protective mother didn't allow her to watch movies this caliber of scary. (Seriously, because she didn't allow the Exorcist until said girl turned seventeen and demanded it.)
So, again... Suffice to say the Girl was about thirteen or fourteen. The movie was several years old, and the girl snatched it from the horror section's wire shelf with glee. Loving Mom over there, unsuspecting as she looked at new releases had once said aloud that she -loved- the original Night of the Living Dead. Well this one was in color! How could she say no?! She ran up, presented the movie that was a discounted rental and batted her pretty blue eyes only to hear the word... No.
So she tried using her manners. Please?
Still no.
The Girl promised to clean her room every day for a month with no questions asked or lip.
No.
The Girl promised many things to several no's before feeling dejected. Then she tried an age old tactic. "What if I pay for it? Please, mom?! You liked the original, and that was like a hundred years ago so this one can't be all that bad...." Mom finally decided that this sounded like reasonable logic, and relented. Home they went, popcorn was popped, and the girl lay down on the floor with her bowl and a soda and was engulfed in a land of shambling hordes and shotgun wielding red necks....
Hook. Line. And sinker. She didn't sleep peacefully for a week.
Following the incident life happened. Age surely led to the Girl growing up to be the Woman, and then leading the Woman to become the obsessed, obese, Mother who can't pass up a zombie movie but who also can't sleep after them. She got married, and her husband does not at all share the fascination with walking dead things riddled with virus. Matter of fact, much to her anguish, he detests all things zombie except the occasional video game. Her obsession with zombie's has led to many a late night conversation over what would happen if the zombie's ever did come.
"I'm going to get us all down to the water and steal a yacht!" She said one night when he had agreed to watching something zombie with her. Likely Zombieland, because that was one of her favorites and he didn't mind it that terribly. "Yeah, well..." Said her husband with a sigh. "If they do ever come I am just going to do you a favor. I'm going to not tell you, and then put a bullet between your eyes."
Ouch. Talk about harsh? He has a point though.
The reason this first post is so long is because I believe I have to make my reasoning completely known. Maybe because it sounds stupid and crazy to myself... But maybe also because I've finally had the epiphany, and perhaps solved my own problem. Much as I love my husband, he has a point. Right now, if the zombies broke in I would probably be the largest liability of the bunch and not because I would be screaming my head off. (Though I would likely scream at first. Hello, I am a girl.)
My husband would do right to leave me behind. I'm middle aged and last time I weighed myself I was just over three hundred pounds. My son is six years old, and I can no longer blame it on baby weight that refused to leave. (Though, I know that's on there somewhere too, it's a conspiracy I tell you!) There's a line from Zombieland that haunts me. "The first one's to go were the fatties."
My immune system sucks. If it was something biological in the air I would likely be among the first to succumb because my weight compromises my immune system and directly affect my health. My poor eating habits contribute to this.
I am just like almost everyone, every year I make New Year's resolutions and mine always include weight loss. I sometimes stick to the diet's and the fad's but I ultimately forget rule #32. (Enjoy the little things.) I burn myself out, and realize I've been juicing or smoothie'ing or calorie counting for all the wrong reasons. Mostly its because of poor self body image. (And that is normally because I saw myself in a mirror or a movie with a skinny starlet or whatever.)
So let's get it out and make it real shall we.
I'm 32.
I'm Fat.
I have a terrible immune system.
I'd be one of the first to turn into a walker.
That's depressing. It really is, so I thought about how to make it better this time. How do I turn this more about survival than to keep up with the times? It came to me when I was watching The Walking Dead.
If the government can train their soldier's from a Zombie Pandemic and call it a legitimate training excercise, than I can adapt to the lifestyle and prepare myself for the oncoming hordes.
I'm going to be realisitic about this. I don't have the money for a dietician and personal trainer. I would much rather spend it on acrylic nail supplies or makeup, and when you are penned up in some abandoned warehouse with twelve other survivors you're not going to have a personal trainer or a dietician to make it okay for you. What I am going to do will be at home. I will excercise at home, but I will do it. I will make healthy changes to my life in the name of survival. I will prepare myself with activities to mirror and help me survive situations that may or may not come to pass eventually.
Day 0 - This post is being written late at night, mostly because I just decided to do it now, but also because Day 1 will start tomorrow and that is when I will begin kicking it into high gear. One day to prepare.
One day til it begins.
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